


You're The Same As You've Always Been

by This_ape_writes



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of canon character death, Mild D/s dynamic sorta, Mild Language, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Really just Bones taking charge during sex, Tarsus IV, beginning relationship, fluffy BDSM, mentions of past abuse because Tarsus, post ITD, using sex as comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:28:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9457286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_ape_writes/pseuds/This_ape_writes
Summary: Jim is alive again after Kahn and things have been off between him and Bones. Then Jim makes Bones the sole person in charge of his medical files. ALL of them and it makes Bones realize who Jim has always been.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing sexual at all in this chapter. Just good old fashioned anxst and Tarsus. 
> 
> Sorry 'bout that.

3:38 in the middle of the damn afternoon. On Tuesday. Of course it had to be today. Of course it had to be right now. 

"Shit," Bones whispers. 

Jim would be right smack in the middle of physical therapy. 

He shouldn't interrupt. This kind of information would absolutely derail anything he had started today. 

But waiting felt...god... it just felt wrong. 

"Shit," he whispers again. And he sighs as he pulls his comm out of his drawer and flicks it open. 

It takes 15 buzzes before Jim answers, out of breath, chuckling, and very irritated. 

"In the middle of weights Bones. It can't be that urgent." 

He swallows. Maybe he should have gone to the clinic and done this face to face but it's too late now. He's just gotta do this. 

"I was encrypting a file on your progress. Same as I do every week. Only this time when I went to add it to your secure file... shit...I don't know how to tell you this Jim but I have access to ALL your files." The clang of a weight machine being dropped makes Bones wince. His timing, he thinks, is absolute garbage. "Jim. You alright? You're not hurt are ya?" Bones asks more frantically than he'd planned for. He hears a weary sigh and a muffled voice before Jim's voice returns loud and clear. 

"No. I'm not hurt. I'm ok," he says. 

"I haven't looked at them I swear that to you. I closed the system as soon as I saw what it was. But if I have access, there might have been a breach. I don't know who to call but..."

"Bones. Relax. It's ok," Jim says. 

"No! Jim it's not ok. They have no right to..." 

"Actually they do," Jim says. 

Bones frowns. And words escape him for a moment. 

"Jim..."

"Look Bones, I gave them permission. Alright? Someone needs to have the authority access and Pike was..." Jim trails off and Bones suddenly finds breathing a little bit too tricky for his brain to manage. "I can't be the one in charge of that information. It's too risky. And you're the only person I trust." 

Now breathing and words are too complicated. 

All Bones is able to choke out is, 

"Your mom?" 

"No. Absolutely not. She should not have access to that," Jim says. His voice is firm but quiet and Bones finds himself nodding even though no one can see. 

"Jim...I don't know that I should have access either," he says. 

"You should. Listen, you don't have to read any of it if you're not comfortable but I...I think I'd like it if you did."

"I..." But he doesn't continue. Bones has no idea what to say. 

"It'll..." he hears Jim swallow and the voice that returns is just a little bit off. "It'll make some things make sense...about me...I think."

"I..."

"Please Bones," Jim says. Begs really. And there is no way in hell itself that Bones is going to say no to that. He's just not. 

"Ok..." he says. He hears a sigh on the other end of what he hopes is relief. 

"I got...like an hour here probably? I'll swing by when I'm done. You're at the hospital?" 

"Mhmm," Bones says. 

"I'll see you." 

And the comm line drops. 

"Shit," Bones whispers. Like it's the only word left that he knows today. 

He closes his comm with a click and can't quite shake himself loose enough to move. He stares at the blinking file list in front of him and it's like every nerve in his body has been hijacked by adrenaline and held hostage against its will. In protest his body has decided to start shutting things down. 

His hearing is muted. 

His vision tunneled down. 

He has access to the gaps in Jim's medical files. 

The gaps he's fought with his best friend about before. 

Gaps his best friend now wants him to read. 

This can't be right. 

Right? 

Can it?

He talks himself in and out of actually clicking on them for what probably amounts to ten minutes or so. 

He has no idea what he'll find in here if he reads it. And he knows he's probably in no shape to handle whatever it is. He really should have some self preservation with this. 

But Jim's given him the ok. 

Hell, it sounds like he's the ONLY one with the ok, but it still feels...violating. 

But he hears the plea of 'please Bones' in the back of his skull and he's opened the file before he realizes he's done it. 

The first thing that pops up is a medical chart. 

Age 13

This is absolutely the missing time frame Bones has always wondered about. 

His heart rate is pounding with hard insistent thumps but he keeps reading. 

He's seen some early childhood pictures of Jim. To spite their similar sizes now he knows Jim was smaller as a kid. 

But he also knows Joanna is almost eleven now and that she weights almost 15 pounds more than what is listed in this file. 

And Joanna is so skinny his ex wife has actually voiced concerns. 

That makes his stomach drop. 

And that's just scraping the surface of awful. 

The list of ailments. 

Of injuries. 

Horrible ones. 

He knows Jim's step dad had anger issues but THIS is not 'anger issues'. 

This... 

Has no words for how horrifying this is. 

One man should not have been capable of inflicting this level of damage on one human being. 

And especially not on a human being who had no means of protecting themselves. 

And not without anyone else noticing!

He rereads the long list of injuries that bleed over into two pages and he thinks of where Frank might be now and all the ways his death could look like an accident until he reads one word: Tarsus. 

One word that makes everything and nothing make sense.

And one man is responsible for this alright. 

Bones just had the wrong man. 

He doesn't remember standing up so the back of his head connecting with the wall of his temporary office startles him a bit. 

And Jim is right. 

It does make so many things make sense about him. Odd quirks and weird habits that all click into place like they belong. 

It explains Jim's reaction to their call for assistance with a hurricane relief in that small planet on the edge of quadrant six last year that at the time had seemed a bit overkill. 

It explains Jim's reaction to the leader of Orius that he had flat out refused to deal with without an explanation at all last month that had absolutely seemed like an overreaction. 

It explained his weird eating habits.

His weird moods he'd fall in. 

It explains why he can't stand hospitals. 

His sleeping habits. 

His nightmares. 

But as Bones stands against his wall letting everything rush through his head he keeps thinking about all the things it DOESN'T explain. 

His best friends quick smile. 

His easy hugs. 

His inhuman level of patience. 

That he forgives people immediately without holding any grudge. 

That he was just so god damned...happy all the time. 

And positive. 

And hell just...good. 

He briefly thinks about how much he could use a drink but he glances back at his desk and realizes there is still way more to be seen. 

He's not sure if he can manage it but he sits back down and scrolls further with what at this point is really just disgusted morbid curiosity. 

Diagrams of injuries and where they occurred. 

The unbelievable frequency with which those injuries occurred as well. 

Descriptions of treatments each doctor prescribed. 

Hospital stays. 

Surgeries. 

Psychiatric appointments. 

Retelling of behavior so far out of character for the Jim he knows now, it's painful to imagine they could be the SAME Jim. 

Then he clicks on a file and he's met with actual god damned pictures. 

He has a really hard time connecting the face of the terrifyingly gaunt kid with dull shadowed eyes to being the same person he knows and loves better than anyone else in his life. 

Detailed accounts of outbursts of violence. 

Anger. 

Rage. 

Completely justifiable. 

Just completely not...Jim. 

He sits back in his chair with all of the files open across his screen and he has the unbelievable urge to have an outburst of violence of his own. 

But that won't help. 

And Jim'll be here in just a little bit. 

He doesn't need to arrive to a destroyed office and a screaming best friend. 

So Bones closes his eyes. 

He takes a few breaths that are shallow and furious. 

And then he opens his eyes back up. 

How did this even happen?

What the hell can he do to make it ok?

Hell not just for Jim. 

For himself too. 

He taps his finger against the edge of his desk and knows without even a hesitation of doubt he is not gonna be ok. 

And nothing can really fix that. 

And he was already not ok. 

Several miles away from ok. 

In fact he wasn't even sure where ok was hiding out these days. 

Finding it was going to be a problem. 

He flipped open the picture files again and spread them all out on the same screen. 

It hurt his chest to look at them but he did. 

One by one. 

One by painful horrible one. 

Now that he has all of them side by side he immediately sees that in each and every photo Jim wasn't alone. 

Winona was in several of them which made Bones like the woman much, much better, but that wasn't what he meant. 

Sitting in Jim's lap, or clinging to his arm, or hiding behind him on a biobed was a tiny little girl who looked no more than about three but with the physical conditions she had undoubtedly been through as well, she might have been as old as seven or possibly eight. 

He looked over each photo and he shook his head. 

No. 

To spite the flat hollow eyes. 

And the unrecognizable frame. 

And the details of wild outbursts. 

There he was. 

That was Jim. 

The same one Bones knew now. 

Fierce protector of the innocent. 

And no. He was not crying at that. 

He'd just...

He'd been staring too long at the screen is all. 

Eyes watering was a completely understandable physiological reaction to not blinking enough. 

Dammit.

Not now. 

He'd already cried enough. 

He sniffed a few times and pulled his palms roughly across his eyes as he blinked up at the ceiling to get his shit under control and let out a shaky sigh. 

Why did he have to know all this?

Why now?

It was too god damned much. 

But that was a question that didn't have an answer. It just was. And Bones would deal the only way he knew how to deal with ANY of the shit he's been thrown these last few weeks. 

He'd just keep going until he couldn't. 

Jim was dead and now he's not. 

He'd been on Tarsus and now he's not. 

Facts. 

That's it. 

Move on. 

But he knows it's not that simple. 

He clicks back on the files and continues to read. 

Maybe he can find something that makes him feel better. 

Something to make this ok. 

When his office door finally slides open a few minutes later he doesn't look up. He just lets Jim enter and hears the door close and waits for him to sit. 

But when he doesn't sit down Bones glances up and sees he's in sweats, hair still wet from his shower, avoiding eye contact and staring at the floor as he stands behind the empty chair across from Bones. 

He doesn't have any idea what to say. 

So he just asks,

"Who's the little girl?" Jim blinks up at that with a frown, clearly not expecting that question to be the first one he hears and Bones smiles when Jim sighs in relief and sits down. 

He feels a little bit like he's passed an unwritten test and it cuts down the tension in the room significantly. 

"In the pictures?" Jim clarifies although it isn't really needed. 

"Yeah," Bones says. 

"Her name's Vora. She was four. And god she was amazing. She bit one of the doctors who had terrible bedside manor." 

"Worse than me?" Bones chuckles but Jim looks at him and sobers. He licks his lips and nods. 

"Bones I've seen you with trauma victims. You're incredible," he says. 

Bones tries to roll his eyes to change the subject but Jim won't budge. 

"I know how important those first few interactions with people can be after a traumatic event, especially for kids. It...it can be a make or break kind of a deal and I really do mean break, Bones. And you definitely have a skill for that kind of thing. I sometimes," he swallows and huffs out a laugh and looks down at his hands. "I really wish you'd been the first doctor we all had seen."

Bones chuckles at that. 

"Well bein' as I was only 18 at the time and highly unqualified at that point in my life that probably would have been a disaster," Bones says. Jim glances up at him and grins briefly but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. 

"You know what I mean," Jim says and Bones nods. 

"Yeah. I do," he says. "You uh...you used past tense verbs with the little girl. Did she..." but Bones doesn't know how to ask. Jim frowns and blinks. 

"Oh. No! No. Sorry that was just stuff that happened a long time ago. I mean she WAS 4. Just like I WAS 13. No she's...she's fine. She's a chef now. She lives in the Los Angeles area actually. Calls me a couple times a year," Jim says with another tooth hiding smile. 

But this one looks relieved and it does reach his eyes and Bones can't help but smile back. 

"It took awhile to locate extended family for her once we were rescued but at that point I'd been taking care of her for almost a whole year."

"Oh my god Jim..." Bones says and doesn't even try and hide the awe in his voice. 

He shrugs like it's no big deal. 

"She trusted me so I fought the doctors to let her stay right with me. Actually my mom won that fight for me. I love my mom so much Bones. She was a fucking force of nature. A lot of those pictures though are from the very first day. Vora wasn't ready to be separated from me and manhandled by strangers as they poked and prodded her."

"Of course not. What kinda idiot would..."

"I can give you names. You've probably worked with most of them. But you seem a bit...on edge. I'd hate for you to lose your job over beating the shit out of well meaning idiots for something that happened that long ago," Jim says. 

"They still WORK HERE?" Bones asks. 

"Relax. It's ok. I went slightly...feral in my protectiveness and then my mom took it from there. I remember she stood between me and the doctor that was trying to take Vora so they would assess my injuries and she said if they were so bad at their jobs they couldn't work around one tiny little girl to get the information they needed that she'd make sure she personally revoked each and every single one of their licenses and would happily watch them burn with her own eyes." 

"Remind me to send your mom something nice," Bones says. Jim chuckles. And then suddenly his face falls. 

And Bones is way too far away to be having this conversation. He locks his PADD and stands up and walks around his desk. He grabs the other empty chair that is next to Jim and drags it over so he's sitting right across from him. 

Jim doesn't even look up. He hesitates a bit. 

A few weeks ago he would have hugged Jim the second he walked into his office and never let go but dying had brought with it this weird uncomfortable wedge between them and Bones hated it. 

Instead he reaches out and sets his hand against Jim's knee. 

Just enough so he would know he was there. 

"What is it?" he asks. And Jim glances down at Bones fingers but doesn't pull away. 

Bones counts that as a win. 

"I was just thinking about how they had been trained to take care of all my broken bones and physical injuries. I had doctors who helped me get over the torture and awful conditions. But Bones...no one knew how to help me go from being the full time guardian of eight little kids for almost an entire year to being just a regular 13 year old. I missed them like they'd taken my own kids away from me," Jim admits as he leans back into the chair with a thump. 

And Bones can't help the pain that kicks him in the stomach with that one. 

He knows first hand exactly what that feels like. 

But he was 27 when he had to deal with that. 

Jim was only 13. 

He can't quite think of what he needs to say to him to make this better. He wants him to know how much it means to him that Jim would trust him with this information. Especially now. When it seems like Jim has been wary of every move he's made for the last few weeks. 

This is huge. 

He wants to say that. 

But he has another question to ask first. 

"Jim can I ask how you ended up the guardian of eight kids?" Bones says. "And I mean an answer that's not just because you're James T. Kirk and people just flock to you like sheep," Bones adds with a grin. And that makes Jim actually laugh. 

"Dammit Bones I can't! That IS the answer as stupid as it sounds. I don't fucking know how it happened. I just..." he sits up again but he's very careful not to move his knee that Bones still has his hand against. He shakes his head and leans forward so his arms are resting against his legs. 

"They killed the relatives I was staying with so I was on my own and I was gonna survive dying was just never an option. But I wasn't the only kid in the area and I knew it. So I made sure I found anyone that was alone. It started with just me and this other kid Roan. He was a couple years younger than me. And I don't know. They just kept appearing. One after the other and I wasn't gonna leave them on their own. None of them would have survived."

"And this went on for a year?" Bones asks. 

"Give or take, yeah. I didn't have all eight of them the whole time. And I...I lost a few along the way," he says staring down at his hands that are now folded together. 

"God...Jim I'm just so..."

But Jim interrupts with a glare as he pulls away from Bones and stands up. Bones tries not to notice that it's still a little difficult for him to move about just yet but he doesn't say anything as Jim glares down at him 

"No. Don't you dare say that. Don't feel sorry for me." 

But Bones blinks, confused. 

"Jim...that...that wasn't what I was going to say." He says. And now Jim looks confused. He runs a hand through his hair and is cautious about it but he sits back down. 

"What?" he asks. 

"I don't like that it happened to you. God the whole thing is a horror show. I am sorry you had to go through that but no Jim I was gonna say that I'm so PROUD of you," Bones says as he immediately puts his hand with firm pressure back against Jim's knee. Jim looks at him like he's lost his mind. 

"You're proud of me? For what, for surviving? Bones I just did what I had to do. Self preservation is a pretty damn strong instinct." 

"Self preservation is yes. Preserving the lives of eight other people...isn't," Bones says. 

"But Bones I wasn't gonna..."

"I know. Because you're you. Amazing and resilient and slightly reckless you. You are a selfless leader of people who need leading who would literally do anything to keep everyone alive. And you always have been apparently," Bones says with a grin. And Jim looks like he's gone just slightly into shock. 

 

Bones knows he shouldn't push him. He's been through a lot. But the elephant is in the room pacing now. So he just does it. 

"I'm sorry. Was that news to you that you were a selfless leader that protected people? Because I coulda sworn we just pulled your ass out of a warp core five weeks ago after you sacrificed your god damned LIFE for everyone on board your ship." And Bones knows he's taking a risk in bringing this topic up right now. Not just to this tenuous thing they have going on between them but to Bones own fragile psyche. But he wants his Jim back and maybe joking will ease the tension some. 

Jim stares at the floor. 

Then he frowns like he's calculating something. 

Then his frown falls into a look like what he has calculated went wrong. 

And finally that frown lifts and he stares right at Bones. 

"You...you're not mad at me for that?" Jim asks and Bones' eyes go wide and he sits up away from Jim in his own little kick of shock. 

"Mad at you? For saving my life?" Bones says. He's a lot of things. Including unstable. Heartsick. And missing Jim like he's lost his whole soul. But mad wasn't even on the list. 

"But you...you yelled at me that first night I..."

Bones sighs. 

"Yeah because I'm an idiot who's incapable of expressing any emotion that's not yelling Jim. I was so relieved you were ok and so scared and had about forty seven different emotions all tearing outta my brain and I couldn't control them all so I panicked. But I'm not mad at you."

 

"You're not mad," Jim says again like he can't quite understand what that means. 

"Well, I was for a tiny little bit maybe but I was grieving I had an excuse. But now I'm just so happy to have you back I think that kinda takes over for anything else," Bones says. 

Jim flops back against the chair again and shakes his head. 

"I really thought you hated me and were never gonna forgive me. You were always so...fucking grim when you'd examine me." 

"Of course I was grim. Do you have any idea how touch and go you've actually been?" Bones says in a soft serious voice. Jim shakes his head. 

"No. But then, no one would tell me what was going on." Bones sighs. 

"Shit. That's my fault. I'm sorry Jim I didn't want to scare you at first and then I just..." he sighs and drops his head. "I'm an idiot too." But something occurs to him and he lifts his head slightly but keeps his eyes on the ground. "Hang on. If you thought I would never forgive you why did you give me sole access to your files?" Bones asks. 

"Because I still trust you more than anyone else in the world Bones. Even if you decide you hate me it'll never change that." 

"Yeah ok, I can't do this like this," Bones says as he pushes his hands on his knees and gets to his feet. 

"Do w..." but Jim doesn't get a chance to ask before Bones yanks him to his feet and hugs him so hard he has difficulty breathing. "You know I'm still recovering right?" Jim laughs as Bones grip slightly falters. 

"Sorry did I..." he asks but Jim laughs and hugs him back. 

"It was a joke. God I've missed you," Jim says as Bones sighs and hugs him tighter. Bones thinks about how over due this fucking hug has been. 

He thinks about how it's not enough yet either but has no idea what to do. 

And the longer it goes on and the more his brain starts thinkin' the more he needs to let go. 

So he does and Jim grins at him as Bones averts his eyes and clears his throat before leaning back against his desk with feigned nonchalance. Jim's grin falters a little bit but he takes Bones awkward motions as a sign to not press it yet and flops back down in the chair behind him instead. 

"Physical therapy go ok?" Bones changes the subject with zero grace. 

"I survived. I'm in pain. And it'll be hard to sleep tonight again. But I did better," Jim says. "I sent you the progress update before I came." 

Oh thank god. Work. We know how to handle that one, Bones brain thinks as he nods and walks to sit behind his desk again. 

Jim smiles widely again at him like he knows just exactly what his brain was just thinking, but Bones ignores that and starts to type. 

It's a short update. And the files were already on his screen. So he types up a few short insights and comments and when he can't stall anymore he clears his throat again and looks up at Jim. 

 

But when he looks up he realizes Jim has been quietly staring at him with a frown on his face. Bones frowns back before he can think not to and he tilts his head. 

"What?" He asks. Jim's frown draws a little bit deeper but he shakes his head and sits up. 

"I don't know. Things are still off with us aren't they," Jim says. 

Bones drops his gaze back to his PADD. 

"We're fine Jim," he lies through his teeth. And he can feel Jim's stare boring a hole in his head. 

"Things are still off with you..." Jim says. And Bones feels cold. 

Shit. 

Of course he wasn't hiding it as well as he thought he was. His fingers go tingly and he feels his forehead start to sweat. 

But he says nothing. 

"Hey can you get outta here?" Jim asks when Bones makes no move to speak. 

That question makes Bones' panic kick up to the next level but he looks up at Jim and shrugs. 

"I don't know. I probably shouldn't I have a lot of..." But he can't even pretend he has too much to do. He's always been a lousy liar and around Jim that gets even worse. He stares at his desk and tries to think of excuses but nothing shows up. 

Jim pushes himself to his feet with just a tiny grimace and he steadies himself for a second before walking over and closing down Bones' PADD. 

"Alright come on you're fixing me dinner," he says as he tucks the PADD under his arm and walks for the door. 

"Jim..." Bones protests in the weakest way possible. 

"Yep. Come on. I have food at home that needs cooking and I don't feel like doing it. I've had a taxing day. So move it McCoy I'm hungry." 

"You know your not my superior officer at the moment right?" Bones asks. 

"Doesn't matter. You love me so you'll do it. Now move." 

And Bones starts at the casual almost... flirting but he shakes his head and stands up. 

"Ok. But only because you died," he says before he can think what's left his mouth. He's been doing this with everyone else for about a week now. Joking about the worst thing in his life as his way of keeping it away from him. Pretending he doesn't have a gaping wound in his chest so he can just keep going, as he opens his office door and gestures for Jim to go first. 

"Oh good! We can joke about it now? God I have been saving up so much material."

That makes Bones flinch. 

HE can joke about it because it's his fucked up coping mechanism. 

If Jim does it...

For that he knows he's not ready. 

What the fuck has he done. 

But it's too late now. 

He just smiles at him like there's nothing wrong and follows his best friend out of his office.


	2. Gathering Courage to Say What I Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones finds himself at Jim's apartment and things spiral badly and some truths come out so they can repair their relationship and get back to where they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy. This is my first real sexual content fic although admittedly it's kinda mild. 
> 
> Be kind.

The walk to Jim's brand new if temporary apartment is a short one. Bones has been here before when Jim was first released but with things being so awkward it wasn't like it was a real visit. 

It's no better this time around either. 

That tension that Bones keeps trying to ignore when he's around Jim feels worse when they are in Jim's private space.

And that's not even accounting for this emotional horror of a day that Bones wasn't prepared for. But if Bones is anything he's damn stubborn, so he clenches his jaw and thinks about just getting through dinner. He can then make up and excuse that they both need to rest. He will go home, crawl into his shower and go right back to being a sobbing, manic, emotional, mess. 

No biggie. 

Jim drops himself on a bar stool that's tucked up under the high counter at one edge of his small kitchen and Bones literally rolls up his sleeves and opens the refrigerator to get to work hoping the distraction will help him get through this. 

"Any requests for dinner?" Bones asks as he looks over his shoulder. Jim shrugs. 

"Dealers choice," he says. 

Bones rolls his eyes and turns back to the refrigerator. 

"Not bad enough I gotta do all the labor I gotta come up with it too?" He asks. 

"Yeah. I died remember. That's my card for getting outta all kinds of shit I don't want to do," Jim says. And Bones flinches again and feels his heart rate speed up but he ignores it and pulls out a handful of all kinds of things. He drops a head of lettuce and beef and several other things on the counter and raises and eyebrow at Jim. 

"Spaghetti work?" He asks. "That's fast and I'm starving." 

"Sauce from scratch?" Jim asks. 

"Of course," he says. 

"Perfect. I'll make a salad." They work in companionable silence for a few minutes as Bones gets the sauce boiling on the stove. 

After that Bones manages to keep the conversation light and boring as he quickly gets everything cooking. 

He is actually falling into a sense of security and it almost feels normal again. They'd lived like this for three years at the academy and even though that's been years ago now behind them it's easy to fall back into routine. Bones is gonna make it, he thinks until he sets the last item on the table and they both sit down

For some reason Jim takes that as his cue to open his mouth and ruin everything. 

"Hey when's your next hospital shift?" Jim asks. 

Bones blinks and freezes. 

"Uh...not for awhile," he says as he busies himself with loading up his fork and avoiding eye contact all together. 

"Not for awhile. What does that mean?" Jim asks. 

"Hmmm?" Bones asks as he shoves a giant bite in his mouth. 

"Bones..." Jim says. 

"Jim I'm eating," he says with his mouth full of spaghetti. 

"No you're avoiding me. What's going on."

"Nothing I just. I have some time off from work that's all."

"Time off? You never take time off," Jim says. 

"Jim drop it," Bones warns. 

"Bones..." 

"I said drop it. Alright? Christ Jim."

"Ok. Alright. Sorry," Jim says. 

And they resume eating. 

But of course Jim can't let it lie. 

"Are you going home to Georgia or something?" He asks. 

"No, now eat," Bones says. 

"Shit Bones you could be a little nicer I mean I did just die," he says. And again Bones winces. Except this time Jim sees it. 

"Bones..." 

Bones sighs. And jabs his fork into his pile of spaghetti. 

"I don't know why I agreed to this. I can't," he says. And he pushes away from the table. 

"Bones!" Jim says as he reaches out and snags his arm. Bones pulls it free and shakes his head. 

"Jim. I'll see you later alright?" Bones says. 

"No! Hang on. Bones. Wait," Jim says as he trails after him. He catches his arm again and it slows him just enough so Jim can get between Bones and the door and he physically keeps him from opening it as he throws himself against it. "You can't leave me!" he says. And the word choice punches Bones in the chest as he lets his eyes close and his shoulders sag in defeat. 

And he should explain his weird out of place outburst.

He should answer Jim's question. 

He should come clean. 

But he does none of those things. 

The world is already spinning. And he knows he can't move. 

Instead he hesitates and false starts. He feels his heart beat in every single part of his body and he's breathing like oxygen has stopped working. He takes a step toward the door and then one back. And then his body says fuck it and pulls him forward until he's hugging Jim with everything he has in him burying his head in Jim's shoulder as he completely loses his shit. So much for holding it together and getting home to cry. That ship has long sailed now buddy. 

He feels Jim tense up under him and then hesitantly hug him back. And Bones growls in defeat. 

"GodDAMMIT Jim you couldn't...you couldn't just leave it?" he says. 

But Jim keeps his mouth shut. 

Bones shifts and claws and buries his face against the side of Jim's neck but he can't get close enough. 

So he completely dives the opposite direction and walks to the far side of the room.

"Bones what is going on," Jim says sounding terrified as hell. 

"What's go...Jim you fucking DIED!"

"Yeah. I know. You know that too. That doesn't explain this," Jim says. 

Bones laughs. It sounds like it's coming out of the crazy person he actually is now and he digs his fingers into his hair and pulls roughly to try and make the laugh stop. 

"Bones," Jim says and in his haze of panic he can hear that Jim sounds more afraid that ever but Bones can't reel this in any longer. 

And since Jim won't let him leave he's just gonna have to deal with being afraid. 

"This is me now Jim. Welcome to the shit show. I can't keep it together at all anymore," Bones says with another laugh as he really starts to feel light headed.

He has the wherewithal to claw his way over to the couch and sit down before he hyperventilates and he drops his head in his hands and tries his best to calm down so he can at the very least stay conscious. 

He instantly feels Jim sit next to him which startles him a bit since he thought he was still by the door but he's too far gone to protest or do much of anything about it so when he feels Jim's arm circle around him he leans into it and just cries. 

"This is why I can't have shifts at the hospital Jim. I'm a mess. I've been put on indefinite suspended leave," he chokes out. "I'm only allowed in to fill out your files and to see you and that took so many people pulling so many strings." 

"Bones I didn't know," Jim says. 

"Of course you didn't!" Bones spits out. "You think I wanted you to?" 

"Ok shhh. It's ok stop talking. Just breathe nice and slow. It's alright. I gotcha you're ok," Jim says quietly and Bones really wants to believe that. 

So he does. 

He takes slow breaths in and slow breaths out to spite his body screaming at him to go faster. And he realizes he's curled on his side on Jim's couch with his head in his lap and with Jim warm and alive wrapped around him and he tries to tell himself this is ok. 

His fingers ache from where they are gripping way too hard at the knee of the sweat pants under his cheek that Jim is wearing but he can't make his hand let go of them. 

He can't make himself do anything but breathe. 

And cry. 

And shake. 

So he does that. 

Simple enough plan. He's been doing it for weeks now. Collapse and cry until he can't anymore and then crawl to his feet and manage until it happens again. 

Thank god he'd been able to keep his head on straight until he had synthesized a working serum. He doesn't even want to think about what he would be like if he hadn't at least done that much. But then the second it had been administered into Jim's cold and lifeless body, and he'd had proof it was working to save the one god damned person who was his whole world, he had completely collapsed into whatever this is now and had barely crawled out of it since then. 

It doesn't help when he thinks about where they had been five weeks ago. 

Before any of this nonsense happened. 

When everything was better than good.

And they'd been happy. 

He really wishes he could just go back to that. 

Hell they'd been dancing around each other for ages. Since that first day at the academy really if he was honest with himself. 

Always close but not quite being more than just the friends they were. 

And then five weeks ago Bones had finally gotten his courage together and made a move that to his sheer delight had been reciprocated and all the perfect pieces felt like they were falling into place. 

And that had been a sad, pathetic, measly, twelve fucking hours before the universe around them had other plans and decided to throw disaster after disaster right in their face. 

Before he knew it and before he could do a damn thing about it Jim was gone. 

But then he wasn't. 

And his soul hadn't had any time to heal. 

And now look where that got them. 

Being awkward and jumpy and not even back to being friends. 

And now he has lost himself all together. And is nothing but a pile of raw nerves and tears. And he wants to think being held like this is a sign things could get better but his faith in anything has been shaken down to its core. 

"Bones. I'm so sorry. I had no clue this was happening," Jim says. "You're one hell of an actor. I thought it was just weird because you'd changed your mind about me." 

"What?" Bones asks in a voice that has no volume as he pushes against the leg underneath him so he can sit back up. 

"Well our first interaction was kinda stiff and awkward. And then that night you fucking yelled at me man. Then things have been off and I didn't know it was because you were like this, I thought it was because you'd just changed your mind about us. So I've been giving you space but now I'm beginning to think that's what you needed," Jim says with a small laugh. And Bones sags with his head against the back of the couch curled sideways with his eyes closed. 

"When has 'space' been anything I ever needed," Bones grumbles and Jim's laugh that bursts out this time is loud and full. 

"Oh my god! Jokes!" he teases as he turns himself towards Bones now but Bones can't even smile at him. He just cracks one eye open and sighs. And the joy he sees in Jim fades out quickly. 

Bones swallows and shakes his head. 

"I didn't change my mind about us Jim. I miss you. But I lost you. And my coping about that is shit." 

"Reading my files today probably didn't help that did they," Jim says as he curls a little bit away from him and looks guilty and bones frowns as he thinks about that. 

"Actually...I..." but he stops as his brain is finally processing shit. 

"Bones? Bones are you ok?" Jim asks. 

"Yeah Jim I'm fine just..." 

"You're not fine..." Jim says but he stops talking after that. And Bones rolls his head back so he can look up at the ceiling and he frowns and takes a deep breath. 

"It wasn't...easy to read your files but I actually think it helped." 

"How?" Jim asked. 

"Because I'm in love with you," Bones says and Jim startles at that. 

"W...I. That was...me...me too Bones but..." Jim stutters and Bones realizes he switched topics kinda fast. 

"Sorry that was smoother in my head. What I was trying to say is I love you." 

"Wait... that is exactly what you just said," Jim interrupts with a frown. "Just how out of it are you," he asks. And Bones shakes his head and sits up. 

"No. Hush. I love YOU. Just you. All of you. And what I've been fucked up about is how easily you sacrificed yourself without even thinking about consequences or what it would do to me because it seemed to be outta nowhere. 

But Jim that's who you've always been. A fearless protector. I realize that on a different level now I think. Doesn't make it easy. In fact it scares me so bad it almost makes it worse. But it doesn't get rid of the fact that I love you. And I don't want to change anything at all about you. Who knows what kind of Jim'd be left if I did? I don't want that. I want you. And I...I think I'm gonna be ok with that." 

"Just like that?" Jim asks. 

"God no. I'm still a train wreck," Bones says. "But that's a starting point maybe." 

"Can we work back to where we were then?" Jim asks. 

"God yes!" Bones says as he leans his head back into the sofa and smiles at him. But his smile fades away within seconds and he looks down and reaches over with a clumsy weakness to grab ahold of Jim's hand. "You have no clue how hard it was to lose you. Not a fucking clue Jim. You know that?" 

"I'm sorry," he says. 

"No that doesn't help me when you say that," Bones says as he tightens his grip. 

"What does?" Jim asks. 

"I don't know," Bones says. "Can I..." but his courage is shot. He shakes his head way too hard and drops back against the sofa and Jim chuckles. 

"You brought me back from the dead Bones that at LEAST buys you like one or maybe two favors. Just tell me what you need asshole," Jim jokes. Bones lets go of his hand and pats his arm instead as he sits up. 

"You need to eat, you worked yourself ragged today," Bones says. Jim's eyes narrow. 

"That wasn't what you were working up the courage to ask me was it," he says. 

"No. But it's true. And that'll..." Bones swallows "that'll give me more time..." 

"So you'll ask me after dinner?" Jim asks. 

"Maybe," Bones promises with a raised eyebrow and Jim sighs. 

"You know I'd do anything for you right," he says. 

"Come on. Eat," Bones changes the subject as he climbs to his feet and heads into the kitchen. Jim sighs but follows. 

And Bones has no real appetite anymore. 

He never does after he has one of his melt downs. 

But if he's gonna force Jim to eat he has to do it too so he sits down and takes a deep breath and swallows and spears up a fork of food. 

Before he can put it in his mouth though and try to get it down, Jim reaches over and puts his hand on his. He sighs and nods and then chews. 

And it's not horrible. 

It helps that he actually likes his own cooking. 

And he manages to choke down almost half of his plate before his stomach throws in the towel and tells him no more. 

He glances over at Jim and sees that he's done much better. And he relaxes a little bit at that. 

"How's that courage coming," Jim asks through a bite of salad and Bones laughs. 

"It's shit," he admits. 

"Is it something you can take without asking?" Jim asks him and Bones shakes his head. 

"No, I wouldn't," he says. 

"Alright then McCoy get it together then. Because I'm through waiting around for shit. I died remember? I'm not wasting anymore time after that one. So you've got just a few more minutes and then you'll tell me exactly what you want," he says with his eyes smiling and a smirk on his lips. 

And Bones is shocked that he's still trying to joke after what just happened but damn him if it doesn't actually work. And Bones huffs out a laugh and squeezes the hand that's still holding his. 

"That was a risk," he says. 

"I'm almost done here man. Stop stalling. Get your courage going I know you have it," Jim says. Bones closes his eyes so Jim can't see him roll them and he shakes his head. 

Ok. 

He can do this. 

Jim finishes everything on his plate to give Bones every second possible. And he even stands up and cleans the kitchen. 

But when the last plate is gone. And the last bit of food put away. There is no more excuse for stalling. And Jim yanks him to his feet. 

"Well?" He asks. And Bones screws up his face and sighs at him. "Coward," Jim laughs and Bones sags in defeat. "Oh that wasn't me giving you an out you're still going to tell me. But how about if I ask for something first?" 

"Anything," Bones says way too quickly. 

"Kiss me," Jim says like it's easy and boring. Like he's asking for more water at a restaurant or something simple like that. 

Bones complies without thinking about doing it. 

And it feels like he's gone back in time. 

It's not awkward. 

Or scary. 

Or anything but them. 

And he can't help it if he gets a little carried away with this. 

This was part of what he was going to ask for anyway so it gives his courage a little push. He knows Jim is still recovering. He knows HE's an exhausted mess. So he doesn't want to do anything that will be too much for either one of them right now but it's one thing to logically KNOW that kind of thing and another to make your body slow down when it's been starving for this. 

It also doesn't help that Jim is so damn GOOD at this either. So if he finds himself grabbing Jim's shirt and destroying nerve endings in his tongue by kissing him too hard well then sorry logic that's just the price of doing business right now. 

And while this is better than the awkward they've been living their lives in for the last few weeks. 

And even better than the hugs that have surfaced today. 

It still not enough. 

Not near enough for him. 

And if he doesn't ask now his courage will leave. 

So he pulls back, panting, and with his eyes closed he goes for it. 

"I need you," he manages. 

"You have me," Jim says like it's a stupid thing to ask. 

"No. I..."

"Yeah I get it," Jim says. "But that was a weak ass way to ask for what you want Bones you can do better than that," he jokes. And Bones opens his eyes and blinks at that. 

"No. Jim that's not it. I need you. Every inch of you. I need to tell myself that you're alive," he says. 

"Better," Jim whispers. "Keep going." 

"I need you not to give back at all tonight. Not for this. I just need you to let me touch you. To...to take what I need from you. Can you do that?" 

"Fuck yes I can," he chuckles. And Bones kisses him again and encourages him backward. 

He bumps into the arm of the sofa and sinks down so he's sitting on it. That give Bones unbelievable leverage and he takes full advantage. His new efforts earn him a god damned whimper in response. 

Bones pulls back again when he hears that. And he doesn't give himself a chance to back out of this now at all. He slides his hands down and under the edge of Jim's t shirt and Jim raises his arms without asking so Bones can slide it up and over his head. His automatic response is to reach for Bones' shirt to reciprocate but he grabs his wrists and makes him stop. 

"Tomorrow or whenever. Not tonight. Alright?" Bones asks and Jim nods. 

And this is already so different than their one night together. That was rushed and frantic and a little clumsy and fun. Jim fell off the bed at one point and Bones' shirt ripped and his arm was bruised for days. It was amazing and it was perfect. He wouldn't have changed a thing. 

But this is something completely different now. 

It's only been a month but those people they were are gone. 

And Bones knows he's being unbelievably selfish. But he doesn't care. 

He needs this. 

And he kisses him so that he knows. Bones pulls back with small kisses that grow more and more shallow and then leans his forehead against Jim's. 

"Bed," he tells Jim and helps him stand up from where he's sitting and he grins like a happy idiot and follows Bones' lead into his room. "Lay down please," Bones tells him as he lets go of him and turns his attention to getting rid of his shoes. Jim chuckles and walks across the room to crawl up on his bed and he turns around to face Bones. 

"God I really like you being in charge holy shit," he says. Bones huffs out a laugh at that as he bends over to untie both his shoes. 

"I will remind you that you said that next time I tell you to do something that you don't wanna do," Bones says as he kicks both shoes away from him and heads over to climb on the bed next to Jim. He crawls up until he's next to him leaning against the headboard and he feels his courage getting up and leaving the room but before he can open his mouth to admit it, Jim's sitting up next to him and shaking his head and kissing him. 

"Don't you dare," Jim whispers his eyes narrowing just a tiny bit as he sets his jaw and Bones nods, breathing heavy before raising an eyebrow at him. 

"I said no touching," he says. And Jim's eyes widen in response. 

"Yeah alright. How do you want me then captain," he says with a smirk that says how's that work for ya huh?

"You're giving me your rank?" Bones asks. 

"Well you are in charge," Jim says. 

"Yeah no. Bones is fine. Or you could try using my real god damned name for once. That'd be a trip," Bones says as he leans closer and kisses Jim as he moves his hand across Jim's side to rest against his hip. Jim pulls back and nods. 

"Ok Leo where do you want me," he says and Bones frowns. 

"I take it back. That's weird. How about you just don't talk at all ok," he says with a shrug and a nod as he kisses Jim who laughs and kisses back. 

Bones takes in a steadying breath that sounds way too ragged and shaky in his ears but he nods when Jim gives him a questioning serious look. "Lie back," he says quietly and Jim nods. 

He starts in with his fingers. That's easy enough to do. 

They have both always been overly tactile idiots with each other even when they barely knew each other's names. 

So touch is something easy. 

Something normal. 

And it's nice. He runs his finger tips over Jim's hairline and his eyebrows and he smiles when Jim closes his eyes. 

This thumb catches his eyelids with a soft swipe along each one. 

He sits up so he can reach better and he slides his palm against his cheek as his thumb trails down the slope of his nose to his lips. Jim grins and immediately he kisses Bones' thumb. 

"Nope," Bones says as he pulls his hand back and Jim huffs in frustration that morphs into a laugh. 

He swallows. 

"This is harder than I thought," he says. 

"No talking," Bones says as he kisses him to hush him up. 

"Mmmm... that's not an incentive if that's how you shut me up," he says with a lopsided goofy smile. And Bones rolls his eyes. 

"Jim", he warns. And Jim responds by biting his lips together and nodding. He makes some weird gestures with his hands that Bones thinks might mean 'ok go head sorry' but he's not sure. 

Either way he does go ahead. He shifts so he's a little more comfortable and bends his elbow up so he can rests his head against his hand. And he brushes his hand over Jim's forehead again before replacing each touch with his lips instead. 

He kisses all along his hair line with slow even precise kisses. 

He kisses his temple 

And his forehead. 

And his cheeks. 

He kisses around the inside edge of both of his ears and down each side of his jaw while his hand flattens out and rests against the side of his face now so his kisses have more weight to each one. 

He kisses both eyelids. 

Both eyebrows. 

And his nose. 

He kisses his lips and he grins when they stay open and relaxed against him and he sighs as he kisses down to his chin. He changes tactic from his soft kisses when he reaches the underside of his chin and he opens his mouth and tips his head down to slide his tongue from the base of his neck all the way up his Adam's apple back up to the underside of his chin again. That earns a intake of breath as Jim tips his head back for more access. 

"I love you," Jim murmurs quietly. 

"Ssssshhhh no talking. I know you do," Bones scolds in a whisper that doesn't hold much harshness. Jim grins. 

He slides up to kiss every bit of his jaw line from his right ear all the way over to his left and then down the side of his neck to where it meet his shoulder. 

Jim keeps tipping away from wherever he's kissing so he has all the access to skin that he wants and Bones takes full advantage as he nuzzles his nose behind Jim's ear and keeps kissing and he grins when a shiver erupts. 

He kisses each shoulder in a circle from front to back and then licks in a warm stripe across the top of both collar bones. He leaves warm open mouth kisses that are more tongue than anything else as he kisses down the center of his sternum and when he hits the edge of his ribs and slides down towards his belly button Jim gasps and arches up just a bit. 

"God you're gonna kill me," he says and Bones freezes. And Jim's eyes fly wide open realizing what he's just said. He looks down at Bones and starts to apologize but Bones shakes his head and quickly shifts so he can catch Jim's lips with his own. He kisses him soft and slow and Jim drops back against the pillow as Bones finally pulls away. 

"I said...no talking, Jim," he says in a low, warm, dark, rich, voice that Jim has never ever heard before and it makes his hands curl into involuntary fists into the bed beneath him. 

 

"Oh shit," he whispers. And Bones raises an eyebrow in warning. Jim licks his lips and he stares wide eyed at Bones who sags over to the side of him again and props his head up on his hand and he just looks at him. 

Jim is breathing heavy to get oxygen back into his kiss fogged brain a bit and he watches as Bones just stares at him, running his finger up and down the side of his ribs. 

"What," Jim says finally when he starts to feel just a tiny bit too scrutinized and Bones shakes his head. 

"No nothing I'm just wondering how to make you follow instructions. Because you clearly don't know how to do what I say," Bones says in that same torturous low warm tone. 

And Jim feels his heart kick him in the chest wildly and he's sure Bones can actually hear it too as his breathing picks up a few more notches and his entire mouth goes completely dry. 

He swallows which is harder to do that it should be and he licks his lips and makes his hands let go of the bed. 

"I'll be good," he says. And Bones looks at him with a weary look on his face. 

"Forgive me if I don't believe you," he says as his wandering finger finds the very top of Jim's pants. It slides its way into the wasteband just a teeny tiny bit and makes a slow smooth journey from one hip bone to the other. Jim's eyes fall shut and his mouth falls open and Bones grins and kisses his jaw. "Now hush," he says. 

And Jim whimpers. 

"Ooh," Bones says as he kisses his way over to Jim's earlobe. "Don't talk but please keep THAT up," he growls as he takes his earlobe in between his teeth and bites very gently and that earns him a groan from Jim. He sees Jim start to open his mouth only to clamp it shut and scrunch his face up in frustration and Bones chuckles warmly as he kisses down the inside of Jim's right arm. 

Bones feels himself coming together just a little bit better. This is helping. God it really is. This is the two of them at their best. Being normal. And it's exactly how Bones hoped it would be. 

He kisses to the inside of Jim's wrist, and lifts his hand up so he can kiss his open palm and each finger. He repeats the process with his other arm and picks up his other hand and kisses that one as well. He buries his face in Jim's side as he kisses down to one hip and that earns him a gasp and shutter and a frustrated growl. 

Bones grins and decides that Jim is wearing entirely too much clothing. So he shifts so that he's sitting now instead of reclining and Jim's eyes pop open to watch what he does. Bones grins at him and reaches over so he can slide his fingers into the waistband of his pants and he sees Jim's eyes grow a little wider when he reaches deeper so he can take everything off at once. 

Jim grins and is being very helpful with this part of the evening as he lifts his hips and helps wriggle out of his clothes. And Bones ignores that he is now completely naked and very much aroused and instead takes his time to climb off of the bed and shake Jim's underwear free of his sweatpants so he can fold each one of them neatly. 

He hears another growl of frustration and a thunk as Jim's head hits the bed. 

"Sorry Jim are you getting impatient there?" Bones asks. And Jim opens his mouth to snap back a smart retort but remembers at the last second he's not supposed to be talking and he clamps his mouth shut and glares as he shakes his head. 

Bones chuckles. 

"See I didn't start this out to make you all irritated," Bones says softly as he sets the folded underwear on the top of Jim's dresser. "But it's so damn easy to rile you up I couldn't help myself. But that's..."  
He shakes his head and looks down at the pants in his hands. "...that's not my point anymore," he says seriously. 

He stares for a moment into the room at nothing and Jim props himself up on his elbows so he can watch. Any frustration Jim was just feeling has completely disappeared as he watches Bones carefully fold his sweatpants and place them on the dresser as well and then walk back over to the sit on the end of the bed. 

Bones rests his hand on Jim's ankle and the look that crosses his face is unreadable. It's a frown but he doesn't look angry he just looks...focused maybe? It's just a guess. But Bones lets out a sad sounding sigh and leans over to press his lips to the ankle where his hand is resting and he kisses up the inside of Jim's leg to his knee. 

"You're here," he whispers. And Jim wants to reassure him that yeah he's here he's not going anywhere. 

But he can't talk so he settles for just settling back underneath Bones and laying down again as he nods and hopes Bones understands what he means. 

Bones kisses his way up the inside of Jim's thigh and he tries to hold still he really does. But damn that feels just too amazing. He lets out an actual squeak of pleasure when Bones soft hair rubs along the side of his dick and Bones chuckles and moves his head backward to get more friction and Jim reaches down to slide his fingers into Bones hair to make him stop. 

Or keep going. 

He can't decide which he wants but as soon as he realizes what he's done he freezes and starts to pull his fingers back. 

Bones frowns up at him in curiosity not anger as Jim folds his elbows in and balls his hands up in a defensive posture against his chest. 

Bones tilts his head. 

"What's the matter?" He asks. 

Jim shrugs and points to his mouth and raises his eyebrows for permission and Bones nods. 

"Sorry. You're in charge. Can I...can I touch you?" Jim asks, his voice rough. 

Bones closes his eyes and lets out a sigh of relief as he collapses against him and presses his cheek to Jim's propped up bent knee. 

"Just this once I'll let you but only because that felt really good," Bones admits. And Jim grins as he pulls his hands away from his chest and stretches out his fingers and he takes his time this go around to really slide his fingers in deep against Bones' scalp as he gives him a few short scratches and sinks his fingers all the way into his hair.   
"Now don't you go trying to control where I go with that. I'm still in charge here," Bones says. Jim nods vigorously and grins. And Bones sighs and continues kissing. 

Jim tries not to be too upset when Bones pulls away from his grabbing hands and starts kissing his other ankle but he loves it when Bones pushes against him so he can bend that leg up too. Jim shifts a pillow so it's propping him up better behind his back so that by the time Bones has kissed his way back up to the other knee he can sink his fingers back into Bones hair again. 

But Jim listens. 

He doesn't control anything.

He just keeps his hands still. 

And he just feels. 

He doesn't push Bones in any direction at all. 

Which he should get a god damned Medal of Honor for really when Bones uses his damn tongue to lick right at the crease where his leg meets his hip and drag it down really close to exactly where Jim wants him to go. 

But self control has never been Jim's forte. So when Bones nuzzles his nose against the inside of his thigh and licks a second time Jim has to completely let go of his hair. 

He grips the covers beneath him again with a white knuckled grip of anguish. And when Bones repeats the whole thing with his tongue a third time but much slower this time around he throws his head back and hisses through his teeth. 

"You're alive," Bones murmurs. And Jim chuckles and thinks yeah but not for long if you keep doing that. But he keeps his mouth obediently quiet as Bones rests his head against Jim's thigh. He wraps his arm around the outside of his leg near his hip and just holds him there. Jim sighs when he sees Bones close his eyes.   
"Twelve hours Jim," Bones says. And Jim frowns completely confused. His eyes spring open and he really REALLY hopes that's not Bones intended time frame for this evenings activities because that will absolutely kill him again. But Bones keeps talking. 

"That's...that's all I thought I had." Jim frowns. He reaches down to tap lightly on the top of Bones head to get his attention and when he drags his dark green eyes open and looks up at him Jim frowns and shrugs. "What do I mean by that?" He guesses and Jim is so glad they have the background they have because years of being friends has given them a short hand communication and Jim nods quickly to show him he's guessed right. 

"That first night we were together. We had twelve hours before everything started to go wrong." 

Oh. 

Jim lets out a sad sigh and reaches down to pet Bones hair softly and Bones closes his eyes. "I thought that's all I was gonna have with you. And I would have taken it. God it would have been better than nothing. But only twelve hours would have been cruel. I don't know what I would have done," Bones says. His voice dropping in volume with each word that exits and Jim sighs again in sympathy. 

"But you're here," Bones whispers. It sounds anguished as he kisses his knee again. "You're here. You're alive again. And you're mine. I have more time." 

Jim nods even though Bones can't see it and he relaxes a little bit as his fingers slide through Bones' hair. 

He doesn't get much chance to stay relaxed yet though. Bones slides away from him and lets go of his leg. And always the precise and measured man that he is can't leave his attentions lop sided. So when his tongue finds his way to the crease of Jim's leg and licks its way up towards his other hip now, Jim can't help it he whimpers and he does it again with the second lick and by the third one his mouth drops open to a moan. 

"God yeah you're perfect," Bones murmurs as he kisses up to his navel and when he starts placing his warm wet open mouthed kisses moving southward Jim feels his toes curl into knots and his hands are gripping so hard to the covers now they hurt. 

He pants out a few gasps and let's loose with a long whine as Bones licks his way down the entire hard length of him and he feels really close to losing this already. 

"Ok Bones it's been five weeks since anybody's touched me including myself I'm not gonna last that long," he warns and Bones stops and chuckles. 

"Anybody huh you got a list of other people?" He says. He's obviously teasing but Jim feels slightly defensive. 

"No Bones. It's just you. And maybe occasionally myself again someday. I'm just warning you it's gonna be quick," he says. Bones looks up at him and suddenly hands are holding his hips in a firm grip and then they slide up the sides of his body until Bones is lying flush against him and absolutely devouring his mouth. 

He groans and hisses when Bones bites a tiny bit too rough against his bottom lip and yanks a bit on his hair so his head moves the way Bones wants it. His tongue is incredible and Jim thinks about how he would sometime love to just do this when Bones pulls away and stares down at him. 

"Jim this isn't an endurance test. This isn't even about you remember? This is me. Taking what I want. When I want it and reminding myself you're here and warm and alive underneath my hands and my mouth. I want you to fall apart. I hope it's quickly that's a compliment to my skills. And I think l've told you more than once to close your mouth and be quiet." Jim chuckles. 

"Ok Bones fine I just didn't want you judging my stamina skills on this because..." but he doesn't get the chance to finish because Bones has sat up and rolled to the side of him and he finds himself being rolled sideways and a sharp slap lands on the left side of his ass. 

"Owww!" He says as his protest dissolves into a laugh. Bones rubs his ass softly as a way if apologizing just a bit and he straddles Jim and shakes his head as he leans over again to give him one quick rough kiss before sitting back up again. 

"I don't wanna use drastic measures like duct tape to keep you quiet Jim because I am really looking forward to hearing every noise you make so that was all I could think of to hush you up. Be..." he kisses him quickly and leans back. "Quiet! I'm not judging your stamina skills you idiot. We've had sex before remember? Did you hear me complaining?" 

Jim contemplates talking again just to see if I'll get him another spank to shut him up. Holy hell but he liked that. But he doesn't want to tease Bones anymore. So he chuckles and shakes his head. "No. Of course not. Now hush. I got work to do here," Bones says. And that makes Jim shutter with anticipation and curve back into the mattress underneath him. 

He hears Bones take another steadying breath as he slides down and off of Jim's body and he takes a moment to plant a few erratically placed kisses here and there down his body as he goes, before resting his cheek against Jim's stomach. He sighs for a moment as he lays there content and then before Jim can prepare for it at all Bones entire mouth has engulfed the entire length of him. 

"Shit," he squeaks out but Bones doesn't admonish him for speaking. Bones counts that in the same category as involuntary noises of pleasure and makes sure to grip him with both hands as he slides the flat of his tongue up the underside of Jim just to see if he can make him do it again. When his tongue hits the soft underside of the very tip of the head it not only gets one curse word but several in a long shouted string and Bones chuckles again and slides his tongue around it in a circle and that gets Jim's fingers back into his hair. 

Good to his promise he still doesn't direct Bones anywhere with his grabbing but scratches and pulls a bit when Bones stays still and Jim becomes impatient. 

But Bones meant it when he said he didn't really want to frustrate Jim in this endeavor so he pulls free enough to lick his lips and adjust his own legs under him and he focuses on the task at hand and drops down again to devour him whole. 

Bones grins as Jim moans and keeps cursing at him. 

Jim is so reved up and his nerves are so on edge that it does take only about eight passes from root to tip with Bones firm grasp following behind him for Jim to frantically yank at Bones' hair and choke out a warning.

Bones had no real intention of pulling away at all to spite the courteous warning of his impending orgasm but Jim has other plans as he yanks his head away sideways, just in time for Jim to howl as his orgasm rippled through him making a mess of him and Bones and the bed that is gonna need to be changed. 

Bones chuckles and leans his cheek against Jim's thigh as he reaches up to uncurl Jim's fingers from tearing all his hair out and curls his own hand into Jim's now empty fingers instead. 

"Why the hell did you do that?" Bones asks as he kisses Jim's thumb of the hand he's now holding and Jim hitches in a few breaths to try and come back into his body and he shakes his head. 

"I dunno. First time jitters or something," he says. 

"That was hardly either of our first times Jim," Bones says. 

"It was my first time doing THAT with YOU!" He protests. 

"Well you've made me a mess," Bones says as he looks up at Jim from where he's still lying against the inside of his thigh and Jim looks down at him and feels his face twist into an affection laced smile. 

"Sorry but god you look beautiful right now," Jim admits as he uses his free hand to pet Bones' hair. 

"So do you," Bones admits. He smiles up at him. And then closes his eyes and sighs and pushes himself up. 

"Leaving already?" Jim asks and Bones frowns at that as he climbs off the bed and to his feet. 

"Of course not you idiot. I'm never ever leaving you again." 

Jim likes the little jolt of electricity that statement gives him and he's grinning just like the idiot Bones has just called him and he doesn't care at all. 

"I'm taking a quick shower. You wanna join?" He asks. 

"God yes I'd love to but I can't move. You wrecked me," Jim admits. And Bones chuckles. 

"I'll be fast. We gotta change sheets so you are gonna have to get up eventually but I'll do all the hard labor. You did just die after all," he teases as he steals clothes out of Jim's dresser and shoves the drawer shut before walking into the bathroom and kicking the shower on. 

He doesn't give himself much time to think about anything that's just happened yet. This shower is all business as he's soaped up and clean and out in less than two minutes. He's pulling on Jim's clothes and grabs sheets from the closet inside the bathroom and a towel which he gets wet from the sink and when he comes out Jim is still lying in the exact same position grinning at him with his eyes half closed and Bones could really get used to that sight. He tosses the towel at Jim when he gets close enough. 

"Alright get up. Clean up. I'll get the bed," he says. Jim nods and winces as he stands again but Bones tries not to let that concern him as Jim drops himself into the chair in the corner of the room and Bones quickly goes to work on the sheets. 

It's fast. He's done before Jim is. Everything gets tossed into the laundry and Jim doesn't even bother with clothes as they both crawl under the new covers. 

"You ok?" Bones asks as he settles back and Jim wraps around him. "You winced when you got up," he explains. 

"Oh. Yeah. Muscles still hurt from earlier. It'll be okay." 

"Roll over I'll fix it," Bones says. 

"You'll get me started again is what you'll do," Jim jokes. 

"Yeah you think you're super human but you're not. Move." Jim does and Bones sits up so he can run his hands up Jim's back and start to work on warming up his muscles. He groans and Bones grins. "Hey Jim," he says. 

"Hmmm," Jim says, his head mashed into his folded arms on the bed. 

"Thank you," Bones says. Jim snorts. 

"Yeah sure Bones. It was my pleasure," he chuckles. 

"Really Jim. I...". But he trails off. He has no real idea what to say. He rubs Jim's shoulders and arms in silence for a few minutes before Jim rolls over and grabs his arms to stop him. 

"I'm fine. Lie down. Come on," Jim says. 

Bones does and crawls next to him as Jim uses the inside of his shoulder as a pillow and wraps his arm around his waist. 

"Today was a hell of a day," Bones admits. 

"Yeah it's just like us to drag shit out over a month doing nothing and then do literally everything at once in like three hours like an explosion." 

"I might be a tiny bit emotionally crippled up," Bones admits. "It's gotta be literally blasted outta me or nothing happens." 

"Are you really gonna move in here?" Jim asks. 

"What?" Bones says wondering how he missed THAT particular conversation. 

"You said earlier you weren't leaving so...I hoped..." Jim says. Bones tips his head down so he can look at Jim and he grins. And sighs. 

"I could I guess. Sure. Why the fuck not," he says. 

Jim snorts. 

"So romantic," he says. 

"I told you. My emotional workings are shit Jim," Bones mutters as he kisses his head. "But I love you. And I'm fairly sure I would do literally anything you want me to." Jim hesitates and then lets his fingers curl into Bones' side. 

"I love you too. I didn't really properly say it before." 

"Yeah you did," Bones says. 

"No once was stuttered nonsense and the other one was with you licking up the entire god damned length of my neck. I want to make sure you know I really mean it," Jim says. 

"God you're such a romantic too," Bones says. 

"You'll really do anything?" Jim asks switching topics so fast Bones has a hard time keeping up with him. 

"Of course," Bones says. Then pauses. "Why what did you have in mind?" He asks suddenly wary of what he's done. 

"I want you to live here. I want you to sleep right now. And tomorrow morning I want to be in charge of you and reciprocate. And I will remember every bit of torture you put me through and up that to the next level," he says with a blinding grin. 

Bones pretends to think it over but with Jim pressed into his chest like he is he knows he can already feel how just the idea has elevated his heart rate. Still he shrugs and closes his eyes and hugs Jim to him tightly. 

"Yeah I guess we can do that." He says.


End file.
